Monday 8th July 2013 by Bambury Wintlethorpe
Bambury Wintlethorpe has a few choice words for you about Mamma Mia
Please, take a seat. Have a cognac. Allow me to lean against the mantelpiece in this smoking jacket and gaze out the bay windows onto the freshly-mown lawn (perhaps croquet later?) and explain why I invited you here for the weekend. You see, I don’t think you’re taking quite seriously enough the prospect of whisking your partner away to see Mamma Mia. Certainly, I think you’re ready to – you’ve been my favourite to see Mamma Mia ever since we met, me, a well-to-do mentor figure, you, a keen upstart with an eye for theatre breaks – but I don’t think you’ve quite the get-go to take the next step. No, don’t get up – this is what the weekend’s for. There’s a lot of wisdom in this old head, so let’s take a stroll down to the carp pond and I’ll share just a few of the many, many reasons that the second you’re off the train, back to the city, you should take your partner to see Mamma Mia.
1) Don’t tell me you’ve never fired one before! Keep it to your shoulder, lead the target and it’ll be grouse all round this evening. Listen, we all get old, it’s inevitable. Look at me – I’m like a fine old tweedy merlot. Age is nothing to be ashamed of. That’s why Mamma Mia’s the ticket for you. A middle-aged mother confronted by three old flames, each more gorgeous than the last, all still a little hot under the knickerbockers for her? It’s a compliment, sport, is what it is. Pass me some more cartridges. Pull! Y’see, at first it’s as though Mamma Mia’s about reliving one’s youth, but it’s not. It’s about how you’re beautiful no matter how old you are! That’s the ticket!
2) Mamma Mia’s all set on a picturesque, breezy, sexy Greek island, so consider it a free holiday. Think of it like this 30ft antique dining table I’m shouting at you across. We could sit next to one another in the middle, but what’s the bally point? We don’t live in a sprawling country estate so we can sit next to one another! Just like I’m screaming myself hoarse to keep up appearances, so too can you basically consider Mamma Mia to be a brief, oily, olivey tryst in the Aegean. Pass the sprouts! You’ll basically need to hurl them.
3) Naturally I don’t need to tell a cad of culture such as yourself that the greatest music ever composed was by the pop group ABBA. From the soaring jouissance of The Winner Takes it All, to the charming conviviality of Waterloo, ABBA singularly saved music, and have never, and will never, be equalled. You’ll notice here the plaster bust of Björn Ulvaeus, a look of quiet contemplation gracing his furrowed brow, and here his lady-wife Agnetha Fältskog, her eyes raised to the heavens, perhaps thanking some metaphysical spirit for the music. Come, your bedroom’s at the end here. Do you know what else features the music of ABBA? That’s right – Mamma Mia. The best music ever composed, sport, all in one musical. You should take your partner. Good night.
4) Pour some more water on the coals, would you? That’s better. I love a good, long steam – and do you know why? A sauna leaves you feeling much better. It’s difficult to place exactly how, I know, but you just feel good. Funnily enough that’s much like Mamma Mia – it’s a show that’ll put a smile on your partner’s face, have ‘em dancing in the aisles and cheering when the good stuff happens. It’s just brilliant, sport, it’s like a massage for your heartstrings, a salve for the soul. Seeing Mamma Mia is like sweating out all your gloom and leaving it in a sticky puddle for the usher to mop up. And Mamma Mia’s the perfect length: I like my musicals like I like my saunas – 3 hours long. Hope you can hack it, sport! Mind if I take my towel off?
5) You’re rather good for someone who’s never ridden before, I must say! You cling to the reigns with the ferocity of someone in the throes of abject terror at hurtling along at 40 miles per hour on the back of a wild stallion through a dense forest, something of a redundant metaphor, I suppose, given that that’s exactly what we’re doing. While we’re on the subject of your life flashing before your eyes, that’s the best bit of Mamma Mia – it’s all about a wedding! Everyone loves a good wedding. Your partner loves weddings, I know that much. Take ‘em to Mamma Mia, sport, they’ll have a jolly good time. I say, that’s rather a flashy dismount.
Thanks for your time, you bounder. We’ve had rather a grand weekend, haven’t we! I hope our little chat about Mamma Mia has sunk in, I really think you’re the one to do it – to make me proud and take your partner to see the show. It’s a real treat for the eyes and ears – what singing! What dancing! Ah, the halcyon days of seeing Mamma Mia. Anyway, off you trot, I’ll see you Monday morning for a quick chat about where I see you in 5 years’ time. The Lion King, specifically.